Wedding Rings & Cardigans

I knew right away something had happened, that something had been said that made you feel uncomfortable. Sure, it took me a while to figure out what it was but I knew immediately something was wrong. It was the subtle shift in your body language, one I’ve seen once or twice before but only started understanding recently. When you are uncomfortable or nervous you look down, tilt your head slightly to the side, and start twisting your wedding ring. You also do this when someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer but also don’t want to lie.

I think all three of these actions are subconscious but they also speak volumes on who you are and how you function. Lets examine this a little more closely, the breaking of eye contact. In the wild, certain types of animals only make eye contact for two reasons, the first is to mate and the second is to fight. Humans  on the other hand feel like maintaining eye contact is essential to have any conversation at all ranging from something as arbitrary as a nail in your car tire to something as serious as a friends suicide. This makes no sense to me at all  but it is what it is,  and you  always make eye contact when you’re speaking.

To me the breaking of the eye contact is a way for you to minimize the communication in between you and the party that has upset you. It allows you to focus on something comforting (the ring) while being unwillingly engaged in something that has created an internal conflict for you.

Next, The tilting of the head, you tilt your head in the opposite direction of the person who is making you uncomfortable, in this case since Kristen was sitting on your right so you tilted to the left. I believe this is your subconscious way of letting the party that has upset you understand exactly that. It’s a way to minimize the close proximity between you and the person or people who are causing you discomfort.

Finally, The twisting of the wedding ring. The ring twist is obviously some sort of self soothing action. Much like a child who rubs the corners of the silken blanket until they are worn the rings acts as a grounding force when things start spinning out of your control. That ring is symbolic of all in your life that grounds you, all that is important. Once you are removed from your comfort zone if you can immediately access something comforting, something safe, the free fall into discomfort will be much slower and relatively painless.

As I said earlier , I feel all of these things are subconscious, knowing you you’ll tell me I’ve thought it all to death….but thats what I do when it comes to the people I care about….I think, about everything, all the time. Regardless,  the point I am trying to make in all of this is that I don’t want you to come to Tim’s memorial.  He’s dead Tegan…you being there  is not worth you going through what I  saw happen to you today. I asked you to come out of selfishness but also out of ignorance. Had I known what being around “those people” really did to you I would have never asked in the first place.

For the sake of maintaining our brutal honesty promise I’m not going to pretend for a second to understand it, I  don’t. I think you looked perfect the two times I saw you on Woodmont street. The outline of the Oak trees against your orange sweater was awesome and the glitter on your legs reflected against the expensive mirrored marble tiles perfectly.

I think that street was built with people like you, W, and your “littles” in mind. Do you know the closets in some of those houses are bigger than my whole apartment? Isn’t that what you want? It’s what you deserve. Trust me, I know this isn’t about a street….it’s about people. People that have made you and your oldest feel unwelcome and unwanted. People who put credence into nothing aside from price tags and spa days.

It’s here however that you and I break into a totally different song and dance. You want to run home, to your real home and never look back. You want to pretend those people don’t exist and that you were never made to feel badly. I, on the other hand want to infest their perfectly landscaped lives, it’s not enough for  them to look at me I want them to see me.

You are not alone in the way they make you feel, I feel the same way…. so does Rachel with her beautiful smile, pointy nose and expensive ring. I have never seen her husband, not once…how do you think that goes over with the Stepford bitches? Do you think they are accepting of her, a Jewish woman with two adopted children? The difference is she ignores them, talks to people like me and you and moves on because she has to….but you don’t.

You don’t have to be around them Tegan, you can walk away and owe them nothing, I’m not that lucky. I want you there badly but I’m asking you to do us both a favor, skip the memorial. It will make me even sadder than I already will be to look out from the podium and see you looking down and twisting your ring.